Welcome to Close All Tabs, a weekly newsletter where we collate the best bits of screen culture from around the Internet. In other words, we’re online 24/7 so you don’t have to be. Mwah!
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Icon and Netflix Pause contributor Brigid Delaney said it best:
Unfortunately I will not be taking her advice. Here’s everything I (continue to) have open:
9 Too Hot To Handle tabs
Honestly I think I would do great on Too Hot To Handle (producers if you’re reading this DM me), a show where you can win money by drinking, partying, soaking up the sun, and not touching anyone else, an area that I am extremely well-versed in. Apparently I am not alone:
Although I think I might be driven mad by the other contestants on this show. THERE IS $100K ON THE LINE STOP KISSING.
Everyone is losing it at the antics of Cam, who — in the wise words of Selena Gomez — cannot keep his hands to himself.
But look, it’s not Cam’s fault only — they have literally lost $21,000 by the end of the first episode so I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say everyone is a hornbag.
At least we can all agree on one thing, which is that we love Melinda.
Also ICYMI, Too Hot To Handle initially set up a very elaborate ruse to trick its contestants into coming onto the show under the guise of a different reality gig called ‘Parties in Paradise’ — a fake island-hopping competition where the biggest party animal wins. One contestant almost figured out the scam, though — find out who it is at Refinery29.
Finally, a little throwback to this Season 1 interview with show narrator and resident comedian Desiree Burch in Vulture, who delivers the reference we’ve all been waiting for: iconic Seinfeld episode ‘The Contest’ where Jerry, Kramer, and George make a bet to see who can last the longest without pleasuring themselves. “I thought there’s definitely a TV show in there,” Burch says. “That, coupled with my friend showing me a conversation between her and a guy on Tinder, which literally went from two texts straight to a dick pic. I was like, Something’s going wrong in society. We need to sort this out.”
3 Sex/Life tabs
Do not ask me why everyone is so horny this week, I do not know. What I do know, however, is that everyone who has watched Sex/Life — a soapy, salacious sensation about a married woman’s fantasies involving her bad-boy ex — has the exact same question.
As HRHCollection said: If you get it you get it, if you don't you don't, if you know you know and if you don't know, like I honestly feel bad for you, like I cannot explain it, I don't have the vocabulary to sit here and explain like either you get the vibe or you don't get the vibe. (Luckily if you don’t know you can read the deep — and I mean deep — dive over at Punkee).
2 Sexy Beasts tabs
Ah, the show that keeps on giving, and it hasn’t even premiered yet. The Washington Post sums it up best: lions and tigers and bears, oh my! (When Dorothy said this she didn’t know what she was actually saying was a list of animal prosthetics you will see people wearing to blind dates in Sexy Beasts).
Watch the trailer before it premieres July 21.
Will next week’s Close All Tabs be less horny??? Who’s to say!
Okay, 1 more tab
This photo from the Flushed Away premiere, which my friend rudely decided to spring on me earlier this week.
How I feel in Sydney’s lockdown:
Send thoughts and prayers in the comments.
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